Karou here! Today I wanted to talk about false simultaneity, an issue RUFF! editors see a lot in manuscripts.
It’s easiest to start with a few examples of false simultaneity in action:
- Quickly showering, I headed to work.
- She shuts the door, sitting on the couch.
- Opening the fridge, he tosses a water bottle to her.
And here’s another set of examples:
- He hangs up the phone as he puts it in his pocket.
- She unsheathes her sword as she drives it into her enemy’s heart.
- As he tripped on the carpet, he fell and broke his nose.
False simultaneity is the result of unintentionally combining actions that can’t logically happen simultaneously into the same moment due to how you construct a sentence. The actions should be sequential or consecutive, not simultaneous.
It’s not possible for your character to both shower and head to work in the very same moment because your character can’t be in two places at the same time. Your character can’t be both unsheathing her sword and stabbing her enemy in the exact same moment; the act of stabbing requires her to have already unsheathed her sword.
In both sets of examples, the problem stems from using adverbial phrases (also called adverb clauses) incorrectly. An adverbial phrase is a string of words that together act like an adverb to modify some other part of the sentence—usually an action, but sometimes the entire rest of the sentence.
When used correctly (and sparingly), adverbial phrases can make your writing more vivid or add color and context to your prose. Good writers know that they need to vary the length and structure of sentences to keep the writing feeling lively. If every sentence in the book has the exact same structure, readers will get bored and stop reading.
The adverbial phrases I see most commonly misused in the books we’ve edited usually include a participle (i.e., a past or present verb form usually ending in -ing or -ed) or a subordinating conjunction (especially while, when, and as).
- In the first set of examples above, the problem arises from a participial phrase: quickly showering, sitting on the couch, opening the fridge. Showering, sitting, and opening are all present participles. Connecting these participial phrases to the main sentences in this way means that the action in the participial phrase is by necessity happening at the same time as the action in the rest of the sentence. But that simultaneousness is illogical and/or impossible, which takes the reader out of the story.
- In the second set of examples, the problem arises from a phrase using a subordinating conjunction: as he puts it in his pocket, as she drives it into her enemy’s heart, as he tripped on the carpet. These actions are happening at almost the exact same time, but it’s impossible for them to be happening simultaneously.
How do you fix false simultaneity? There are several easy ways to correct this issue.
- Break up the sentence.
- She unsheathes her sword. She drives it into her enemy’s heart.
- Connect two phrases with a conjunction.
- He hangs up the phone and puts it in his pocket.
- Cut the problem word in the adverbial phrase and change the punctuation.
- He tripped on the carpet; he broke his nose.
- Make each action separate and sequential.
- She shuts the door and then sits on the couch.
- Add more.
- He opens the fridge, grabs a water bottle, and tosses it to her.
Are all adverbial phrases problematic? Not at all! Below are some rewrites with similar content that are grammatically correct and don’t have the logical problem of false simultaneity.
- Feeling rushed, I showered quickly and headed to work.
- She shuts the door and goes to sit on the couch, thinking hard about the news the visitor brought.
- Opening the fridge, he searches for something to offer her. He grabs a water bottle and tosses it to her.
- He hangs up the phone. Sighing, he puts it in his pocket.
- She unsheathes her sword as she gazes into her enemy’s eyes.
- As he tripped on the carpet, his heart leapt into his throat. He knew he was going to fall and break his nose.
It’s easy—natural, even—to write false simultaneity into your book while working on your first draft. When you start self-editing and reading over your words with a critical eye, though, you should eliminate it.
I hope this helps you be more able to spot and correct sentences like this!
I’ll talk another day about how commas interact with adverbial phrases. The rules for handling commas and adverbial phrases are more complicated than they seem.
